


Kuroo's ideas stink. Like, really

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bokuto and Akaashi, Gen, Haikyuu in weird costumes, Iwa-chan is a born teacher, Kuroo grins every second, Kuroo's bad ideas, Oikawa screams and yells and throws stuff, Ushijima is really slow, You Should Have Come to Shiratorizawa, reality show, texts, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 07:44:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10589541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In which Kuroo gets this terrible idea to enter all the captains and vice-captains into a reality tv show.





	

**Author's Note:**

> To my friend Ren--- thanks for giving me the idea and happy birthday!  
> [A/N:IMPORTANT. READ THIS FIRST]  
> In texts:  
> daddycrow: Daichi(obviously)  
> Ur_Suga: Sugawara(well)  
> Grand_Prince_Sama: Oikawa  
> longsuffering: Iwaizumi  
> HOOT_HOOT_I'M_HERE: Bokuto  
> akaaowl: Akaashi  
> Ushijima Wakatoshi: pls read  
> lion_man: Ohira(who doesn't even appear lol)  
> sly_cat: Kuroo  
> Kai_the_Sea_Grape: Kai  
> Costumes(as for why there are costumes, pls read):  
> Oikawa: green alien  
> Iwaizumi: cowboy  
> Ushijima: Superman  
> Kuroo: black cat  
> Bokuto: random bird  
> Akaashi: same as Bokuto  
> Daichi: Batman  
> Suga: Robin  
> Kai: lol forget him

Iwaizumi had seen better days.

For some reason, right now he had two impossibly heavy---and drunk--- weights named Oikawa Tooru and Ushijima Wakatoshi slung over both his shoulders, both poking at each other distractedly and bickering like little kids.

“ Ushiwaka-chan looks like a cauliflower,” Oikawa giggled. Seriously, Iwaizumi thought, where did that come from?

“ Let’s dance to Shiratorizawa, Tooru,” Ushijima slurred, his crazy grin miles apart from his usual poker face. He began to tap his feet on the pavement.

“ No, wait---,” Iwaizumi pleaded, but unfortunately for him, Ushijima was strong. The taller male struggled out of Iwaizumi’s grasp and went prancing towards the road, oblivious to the increasing amount of car honks and the annoyed yells of drivers.

“ Holy shit,” Iwaizumi cursed, and ran after Ushijima, one arm tightly bound around Oikawa to prevent him from escaping. “ Sorry, he’s with me, he’s drunk----oh God.”

How Iwaizumi had ended up in such a situation in the first place was a long story.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It was Kuroo’s fault.

It all started when he created the group chat.

_sly_cat has created the group I’m a Genius_

_sly_cat has added Kai_the_Sea_Grape, daddycrow, Ur_Suga, Grand_Prince_Sama, longsuffering, HOOT_HOOT_I’M_HERE, akaaowl, Ushijima Wakatoshi and lion_man_

_daddycrow: wtf is dis_

_longsuffering: same_

_akaaowl: Must be another of Kuroo-san’s bad ideas_

_longsuffering: well spoken_

_sly_cat: fk u guys u dont even no yet_

_sly_cat: this is the best idea kuroo tetsurou ever had in his life_

_daddycrow: did you mean worst idea_

_sly_cat: cut the sarcasm daddy_

_sly_cat: so I heard from oikawa that theres gonna be a reality show and theyre looking for volunteers_

_Grand_Prince_Sama: (^o^)_

_longsuffering: I have a bad feeling about this_

_sly_cat: and it sounded interesting so_

_HOOT_HOOT_I’M_HERE: DONT STOP THERE BRO TELL US WT U DID_

_akaaowl: I’m not sure this is a good idea Bokuto-san_

_sly_cat: so_

_HOOT_HOOT_I’M_HERE: SO?_

_sly_cat: SO I SIGNED ALL YOU FUCKERS UP MUHAHAHA_

 

 

 

_daddycrow: you did not just say that_

_Ur_Suga: seems fun i’m in ∩(·ω·)∩_

_daddycrow: suga?????!!!!!!_

_HOOT_HOOT_I’M_HERE: COOL BRO IM EXCITED SBVCJSDBVHSFEKDNV_

_daddycrow: no_

_Grand_Prince_Sama: its all thanks to me isnt it kurochan? (*^3^)/~☆_

_longsuffering: FUCK YOU SHITTYKAWA IMMA WHIP UR ASS TMR THIS IS ALL UR FAULT WHY DID YOU TELL HIM_

_Grand_Prince_Sama: Q3Q iwa-chan so mean_

But this was just the beginning.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Oikawa bounded into the filming studio in high spirits, closely followed by a scowling Iwaizumi.

“Oi, Shittykawa, stop skipping, you’re not five years old.”

Oikawa turned around with a pout. “So mean, Iwa-chan! How come you’re not excited about going on television?”

Iwaizumi’s expression darkened ten degrees. “Why should I be excited about my humiliation being publicly broadcasted on TV?”

Oikawa’s phone vibrated with a new text message. “Oh hey, Makki and Mattsun said the team’ll be watching at Kindaichi’s place!”

Iwaizumi’s face closely resembled that of Satan. “Those little---“

“Hey hey hey!!!” A shout signaled the arrival of Fukurodani’s owl-headed captain. Bokuto appeared at the entrance with Akaashi, who’d apparently been dragged there, in tow.

“Please lower your volume, Bokuto-san. People are working here.”

Bokuto didn’t seem to hear and instead examined the studio with sparkling eyes. “Akaashi, this is it! This is our chance to be famous!”

Kuroo, who’d been watching the stylists testing out different pots and tins of makeup in the corner with his vice-captain Kai, gave him a thumbs-up across the room. “That’s the spirit, bro!” 

“Man, I’m so fired up!”

“I know right?”

Akaashi deadpanned as he watched his two seniors dance around like preschool kids. “Coming here was a mistake.”

Daichi came over and clapped a hand on his shoulder. “I feel you, man.”

Suga smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry, it’s going to be alright.”

Akaashi looked at Suga, expression unchanged. “ That’s what Bokuto-san said before he nearly burnt down the lab during Chemistry.”

“Hey, Ushiwaka-chan!” Oikawa was calling mockingly at the other end of the room. “All alone, are we? Did your vice-captain _ditch_ you?”

Ushijima turned towards Oikawa with his usual poker face. “Ohira is sick and could not come. Where is _your_ vice-captain?”

“What? Iwa-chan’s right h---wait, IWA-CHAN!!”

“Attention to all participants!” the host boomed through the loudspeaker. “Our stylists will now lead you to the dressing rooms for final adjustments! Just a warning, this studio is bigger than it seems. Kindly follow the crew’s instructions if you don’t want to get lost!”

The volleyball players followed everyone else into the dressing rooms in varying moods ( some were excited, some were getting depression, and some just glared at Kuroo because it was his fault).

“Alright!” The young stylist in the middle of the room yelled. “All of you wait for us to assign you your costumes and get changed!”

Everyone turned to look at the clothes rack in the corner. Hung on it, in different shades of colours and sizes, were varying types of costumes--- there were animal ones, superhero ones and ones that looked like they’d come straight out of a Barbie closet.

“That’s it, I’m leaving,” Iwaizumi bolted for the exit, but found it firmly closed and locked. “Dammit!”

“C’mon, we don’t have all day!” one of the stylists grabbed an unfortunate soul---Daichi---by the arm and scanned him from head to toe. “Hmm, tall, nice build… this should be sufficient.” She thrust a Batman costume at him and waved him to the changing rooms. “Go on, hurry up! Next!”

Daichi turned pale and started shaking. “Uhmmm… Batman?”

“You!” The stylist shouted, pointing at Suga. “You’re his pal, right? Take this and go get changed! Chop chop!”

Suga looked up at Daichi, his eyes two dark voids in its sockets, holding the costume of Batman’s loyal sidekick, Robin. “L…let’s go ch…change, then, D…daichi…”

From somewhere in the crowd of contestants, Kuroo snickered.

He stopped smiling when the stylist shoved him a black cat costume, complete with cat ears, fake cat paws, and furry black leggings.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Excellent! I see that you’re all ready,” the host smiled good-naturedly, unaware of the dark atmosphere below the stage. “As you might know, in our show, contestants form teams of three. A team captain, who is randomly chosen by our computer system, can pick his or her teammates according to the order they were chosen. Each captain can only pick one person at a time, and there will be two rounds for them to pick who they want.” He looked at the hundred or so participants with a kind of greedy hunger. “Now, we will announce the team captains---“

“Sawamura Daichi.”

“Well, no surprises there,” Suga playfully poked his friend, who straightened up with an authoritative air, once more looking like the reliable captain of Karasuno’s volleyball team.

Iwaizumi kind of wished Oikawa was more like that.

There were a couple of names of other participants, till the host boomed,”Bokuto Koutarou.”

Bokuto grinned widely behind his bird beak mask. “That’s me! Who’s the greatest captain and ace of all time, eh? Bokuto Kouta---“

“Please shut up, Bokuto-san,” his darker-haired setter deadpanned.

“That’s mean, Akaashi!”

“You missed five serves during practice last time.”

“ _Akaashi!_ You said you’d keep it a secret!”

A couple of feet away, Kuroo watched them bicker with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Meanwhile, names rolled off the loudspeaker like a waterfall, till the last name came out:

“Oikawa Tooru.”

“Ha!” The Seijoh captain looked triumphantly at Ushijima, who stared back blankly. “Ushiwaka-chan didn’t make it!” He stuck his tongue out at him like a newbie worker who’d just got promoted looking back at his old boss. _Yeah, I’m superior to you now, so deal with it._

The camera crew captured the epic scene of the guy with the green alien costume laughing at the guy cosplaying Superman.

“Trashkawa, this is going on tape,” Iwaizumi hissed, as cameras flashed and clicked all around them. “And you look a ridiculous alien.”

“Mean, Iwa-chan! You’re too short to be a cowboy anyway---OW! That hurt!”

The host’s dreaded voice once again roared through the speakers. “The captains may now pick their teammates, starting from Sawamura-san, whose name was announced first! You may only pick one person each time!”

Daichi smiled at Suga. “Team up with me?”

The silver-haired setter agreed with a lively nod.

Bokuto, imaginably, chose Akaashi, and Oikawa went for his Iwa-chan with an annoying grin on his face. Then Daichi, hoping for someone more reliable, picked Kai as his next teammate, and Bokuto got his bro Kuroo on his team with a shout and a high-five. Which left---

“Ushiwaka-chan?”

Oikawa was staring at the ace with a look of unmistakable horror on his face. “No,” he whimpered. “Why him?”

Iwaizumi figured this was his cue to say something.

“Relax, Shittykawa, maybe he’ll turn out a good guy.”

Oikawa just looked at him, previous excitement all gone. “Ushiwaka-chan always screws things up.”

Ushijima didn’t help by coming over at that exact moment and extending his hand towards Oikawa. “It would have been better if you’d come to Shiratorizawa, but I hope we can work well together as a team.”

Oikawa stared at the hand like it was a piece of garbage he’d found in his closet and stuffed his own hands further down his pockets.

Iwaizumi sighed as Ushijima looked confused and looked weirdly at his hand like it was from space.

It was going to be a long day.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Where’s the first stop, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa asked.

“A local kindergarten,” Ushijima answered, causing the former guy to scowl.

“I asked Iwa-chan, not you.”

Iwaizumi facepalmed. “Asskawa, will you please stop acting like you’re three years old. Besides, he’s the one holding the directory.”

Oikawa pouted and poked his tongue out at Ushijima. “Iwa-chan saved you this time, but not again.”

Ushijima looked mildly surprised. “I am not in mortal danger. I do not need any saving. What do you mean?”

Oikawa moaned and threw his hands up to the sky. “Why did God choose this idiot to join the 18- National Team, but not someone with obvious talent and good-looks like me?”

A tic mark appeared on Iwaizumi’s forehead and he eyed the filming crew tailing them warily. “For the hundredth time, this is going on tape. Hanamaki and Matsukawa will never let me hear the end of it if we---“

Oikawa suddenly broke into a sprint and dashed into one of the buildings. “Oh hey, we’re here! We beat Daichi-chan and Boku-chan! Woohoo~”

“Asshole,” Iwaizumi muttered, and followed Oikawa and Ushijima inside.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The receptionist looked up from her paperwork and took in the trio and the camera crew.

Oikawa peeked over Ushijima’s shoulder at the directory. “Good morning, miss. May I know where is, uh, Class 2-3?”

“Go straight along the corridor. You will see it on your right.”

“Thank you!” Oikawa followed her directions and led the group through a brightly-lit hallway. At both sides of the hallway there were dozens of the same doors each marked with a class number. They stopped in front of Class 2-3. Even outside the door they could hear the screaming and shouting of the kids.

“We are not as loud at Shiratorizawa,” Ushijima commented offhandedly.

“Why don’t you just marry your school if you love it so much,” Oikawa grumbled.

Ushijima looked at him as if what he’d said was the most inspiring speech he’d ever heard, then shook his head sadly. “Alas, Shiratorizawa is too big. She would never fit into my home.”

“Of cours---wait, WHAT?!”

“I swear to God, for the LAST TIME, why don’t you just SHUT THE FUCK UP and---“

“Iwa-chan, you’re increasing the workload of the crewmen. Do you know how long it even takes to mute all the expletives you said?”

“OIKAWA YOU LITTLE---“

Just then the door opened for a fraction of a degree, just enough for the little girl behind it to peek out. Her round face immediately broke into a huge smile as she spotted Ushijima. “Superman!” she cried gleefully.

The other kids inside the room perked up as they heard their classmate speak and rushed to the door to see. “Hey, it really is Superman!” “That’s so cool!” “Can I have a piggyback ride?”

Oikawa’s laughter was muffled into the green folds of his alien costume.

Iwaizumi knelt down so he was about the same height as the kindergarteners. “Okay, okay, don’t push! Superman’s here today to, uh,”---he snatched the directory out of Ushijima’s hand and read---“to teach you how to do your homework!”

“Awwwwww~~~” the kids moaned.

“Alright, stop complaining! Get to your tables!”

“Iwa-chan, I already feel sorry for your future children.”

“Shut up!” Iwaizumi thundered. Turning back to the kids, he forced a smile. “If we have time left we can play, okay?”  
The kids immediately reverted to their original happy, sunny mood. “Yay! Thank you, Mr Cowboy!” They dashed to their respective stools and sat down obediently.

“So the first challenge is to teach this bunch how to do their homework?” Oikawa puffed out his chest and grinned. “Should be easy, I bond very well with kids!”

“Have you ever thought it’s because you act like them?” Iwaizumi suggested.

“Rude, Iwa-chan! Ah, yes, I’m coming!” Oikawa jogged towards an orange-haired girl who’d put up her hand and kneeled down beside her. “Can’t do your homework, kid? That’s because you’re stupi---Ow, ow! Iwa-chan!”

Iwaizumi put away his dark scowl and smiled at the little girl. “What’s your name, kid?”

“Natsu!” The girl grinned happily. “And you’re the Grand King and his follower!”

“F-follower?” Iwaizumi choked.

“Yes! Onii-chan told me all about you!” Natsu replied brightly.

“Eh? Who’s your onii-chan?” Oikawa asked curiously. “I mean, everybody knows me, but Iwa-chan…”

Iwaizumi glared, then turned back to Natsu. “Say, kid, you look familiar… I’m sure I’ve seen that hair before.”

“And somehow it annoys me,” Oikawa added.

“She looks like Karasuno’s Hinata Shouyou after being shrunk in the wash,” Ushijima supplied.

“Ah yeah that’s where---wait, you’re Shrimpy-chan’s sister?”

“That’s onii-chan!” Natsu beamed. “ Shouyou!”

Oikawa looked stunned, then burst into cackles, making the other kids look up. “So that’s where you inherited the idiot genes from---ACK! Iwa-chan!”

“What do you want us to help you with, Natsu?” Iwaizumi asked, his smiled strained.

Natsu’s wide grin turned into a pout. “I can’t do this question.” On her worksheet was a math question: 23 – 14=?

“Ah, I remember Iwa-chan struggled over something similar when he was four, too!” Oikawa recounted, smiling hugely as if it were a memory he relished. “He kept on telling the teacher that 4 can’t be taken from 3!”

“It can’t!” Natsu insisted.

Ushijima peered at the question. “The answer is 9.”

Iwaizumi scowled. “Yeah, very helpful. We actually have to teach her how to do it if we want to finish this challenge.”

Ushijima blinked. “Oh.”

Oikawa smirked at him. “Why not let Ushiwaka-chan try? I’m sure it’ll be a piece of cake for someone who’s from Shiratorizawa.”

Ushijima nodded. “Okay. The answer is 9 because 23 – 14 equals to 9.”

Iwaizumi looked at him in exasperation. “How many marks do you usually get on your math paper?”

Ushijima cocked his head to one side as if Iwaizumi had just asked him how humans breathe. “100. What other mark am I supposed to get?”

“I hate you,” Iwaizumi decided. “Actually, Natsu, you can put it this way---“---he drew twenty pin men at the right hand corner of the worksheet, then three more on the left side. Under the twenty pin men were ten others, and under the three, four. Iwaizumi circled the top twenty-three pin men to group them together, then the lower thirteen. “Okay. So here I have two groups of pin men, one 23, one 14. And now I want to take 14 pin men away from the 23, but you can’t take 3 out of 4, right? So…”

Oikawa watched as Natsu’s troubled expression loosened and grew brighter in understanding. “Damn, Iwa-chan, you’re good at this.”

“S-shut up!” Iwaizumi stuttered. “ Why don’t you make yourself useful and look around to see if the other kids have finished yet!”

Oikawa gave him a salute with a teasing smile on his face. “ Aye aye, sensei.”

“Fuck you, Shittykawa!”  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Oikawa was in an incredibly good mood when they exited the kindergarten amid shouts of “ Bye, Superman!” and Natsu’s calls of “ Thank you, Hajime-onii-san!! I’ll tell my onii-chan you’re nicer than the Grand King!” which imaginably went unheard by Oikawa. They’d bumped into Bokuto, Akaashi and Kuroo on their way out. According to Akaashi (Bokuto and Kuroo were too mad to actually say anything), they’d gotten lost on their way there because the elder two spotted a stray cat and followed her all the way to her nest to catch a glimpse of her kittens. It’d taken all of Akaashi’s strength and more to convince them to move on (though it’s not like he didn’t like cats), hence why they’d just arrived when Oikawa and co. were ready to leave. And they were pretty sure Daichi, Suga and Kai were still in the middle of their homework session, which made Oikawa’s team the first out of all the volleyball captains to finish the first task.

This was also why Iwaizumi’s ears were going raw from Oikawa’s whistling.

"It pisses me off when you whistle just one note, so stop.”

Oikawa gave his signature pout. “ Whistling is hard.”

“Then don’t.”

“Mean, Iwa-chan! You’re supposed to say _‘Work harder, you’ll get it in the end’_ or something!”

“I have absolutely no faith in you for getting it, in the end or otherwise.”

“Come to Shiratorizawa, Oikawa,” Ushijima offered. “ We have faith in everything.”

“Then have faith that I will not be appearing at Shiratorizawa anytime soon,” Oikawa replied a bit too nastily.

“If you don’t shut up, I really will trade you to Shiratorizawa,” Iwaizumi threatened. “At least their setter’s not as annoying as you.”

“Iwa-chan~~”

Iwaizumi ignored him and looked up at the plain brick residential building in front of him. “ This is the second stop, right?” He reread the instructions on the directory. “Third floor, Room 11… got that. C’mon.”

A moment later, the lift announced their arrival to the third floor with a pleasant ‘ding’.

Iwaizumi knocked the door of Room 11. “‘Scuse me, can we come in?”

A raspy voice called from the inside,”The door’s not locked.”

Iwaizumi turned the doorknob, starting to enter, then froze.

He probably should have expected something out of the ordinary if the show told him to come here, but nothing had ever prepared him for this. In what he supposed was a large flat, all the walls were covered by strange murals and pieces of embroidery. On the floor stood dozens of spinning wheels and sewing machines were propped on tables. 

In the middle of it all was a tiny old woman. She held a stack of cloth in her arms. Seeing the crowd, she broke into a toothy smile.

“Welcome, welcome. Please, sit there,” she directed them at the stools next to the weaving loom, where a piece of finished white cloth was spread out. “You may start your work.”

“Uhh… what exactly are we supposed to do?” Iwaizumi questioned.

“See the pieces of cloth here?” the old granny asked, motioning at all the hundreds of pieces of white cloth spread out across the apartment. “Each one of you take one and start embroidering patterns on them. You may ask your teammates for help, of course, and when you’ve finished all three pieces of cloth, let me check and if I am satisfied, you may move on to the last task of the show.”

Iwaizumi felt his back dampen in cold sweat. “T-thank you.”

He knew he was screwed. He’d never so much as touched a needle in his entire life, let alone embroidering pretty pictures on bits of cloth. If he had to say, the closest he’d ever come to needlework was when his mom watched how to videos about various stitches on YouTube.

Oikawa poked him nervously as he fingered the pins gingerly. “Iwa-chan, can you sew?”

“Like hell,” Iwaizumi spat. “We’re done for.”

Somebody nudged him in the ribs.

“What?” he snapped at Ushijima, who was scanning the cloth with a calculating look on his face, as if he was already planning out what type of flower to embroider at the corners.

“If you would move, please. I have to measure the length to see how much thread I need exactly.”

Oikawa fell off his stool. “Wha---you can sew?”

Ushijima blinked, poker face intact. “We have needlework lessons at Shiratorizawa.”

Oikawa’s expression immediately scrunched up in disgust. “Figures. Bet they even have parenting lessons there.”

At that moment, there was a frantic knock. The door swung open to reveal Daichi, Suga and Kai, closely followed by Kuroo, Bokuto and Akaashi.

“Well, well, looks like we caught on,” Kuroo commented, his signature grin spread across his face.

“It’s sewing this time, eh? Not bad. You guys ever learnt embroidery?” Daichi asked.  


“I learnt some from Asahi,” Suga piped up, and Kai nodded in the affirmative.

Daichi looked satisfied with this answer. “Alright, team, let’s work! We’ll be the first ones out of this!” The trio sat down and immediately began to thread their needles.

“Oho, a competition, is it?” Bokuto rubbed his hands together in anticipation. “We’re not gonna lose! Akaashi!”

“Yes, Bokuto-san,” the younger male answered, sitting down before the loom and threading his needle without a second’s hesitation. He was the first to make a stitch on his cloth.

“Akaashi picks up a lot of things at home!” Bokuto bragged. “I bet he can even skydive!”

“I can’t skydive, but thanks for believing in me,” Akaashi said with a sigh, his eyes focused onto his work.

“Damn, Aka-chan! Stop being able to do everything!” Oikawa protested. “And Ushiwaka-chan, hurry up!”

“I am hurrying,” Ushijima stated, carefully making another stitch of purple thread.

“DAMMIT!”

The next two hours passed in a whirlwind. Daichi, Suga and Kai were progressing fast, as they each only had one piece of cloth to finish. Akaashi worked furiously, and under Bokuto and Kuroo’s madcap cheering and yelling, finished one piece of embroidery with a great-horned owl on it which he insisted was not a portrait of Bokuto, and started on the second which looked suspiciously like a cat version of a certain bedhead. Ushijima, however, was moving slower than a snail’s pace and Oikawa and Iwaizumi had long since given up.

“Why did we team up with Ushiwaka-chan again?” Oikawa asked for the umpteenth time, lying back to the floor, his green alien suit a huge contrast to the dull grey floorboard.

“Because you were slow, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi replied again, still pacing around the apartment like his life depended on it.

“Done!” Suga threw down his needle, examining his work carefully. He’d stitched a nest of cartoon crows on his cloth. After making sure he was satisfied, he turned to his teammates. “Need help, anyone?”

He smiled good-naturedly at Oikawa’s puppy eyes. “Sorry, not you.”

“Awww~~~Sugawara-chan~~~” Oikawa pleaded, but the silver-haired setter shook his head firmly.

Akaashi snipped away the excess thread from his second cloth piece, the black bed-headed cat now yawning on the white background, and went to work on the third piece.

“Whoaaa, Akaashi, you’re so talented!” Bokuto gushed over the cat. “It looks exactly like Kuroo!”

“Bro, stop making those moony eyes. You’re starting to act like those schoolgirls who stopped me on the road last week,” Kuroo said with a smirk.

“Shut up, man! You’re the worst!”

Oikawa pouted as he watched everyone else stitch.

“Why didn’t I learn?”  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Another hour later, Akaashi put down his needle, much to the annoyance of Oikawa.

“Done,” he announced, a full forest scene now flourishing on the cloth.

Bokuto picked it up, his face lit up with wonder like a little kid. “A-akaashi---this is---this is just---wow.”

“Thank you,” Akaashi replied dryly. Kuroo barked a laugh.

“C’mon, bro, we have to catch up with Sawamura. They left like fifteen minutes ago.”

“I am finished,” someone suddenly announced.

Oikawa whirled around to look at Ushijima, who was staring back expectantly.

“Thank God Ushiwaka-chan! Took you ages!” Oikawa cried. “ Can I look at it?”

Then he screamed so loudly the window panes shook.

Ushijima’s three pieces of cloth lay there guiltily, put together to form the words:

“You should have come to Shiratorizawa.”  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“FIIIIIIGGGHHHTTTTT!!!!!” Oikawa and Bokuto yelled, racing across the pavement like there was a zombie apocalypse.

“You’re gonna lose Boku-chan!” Oikawa teased. “You’re younger than me by two months!”

“Oho? I’m taller than you by a centimeter!” Bokuto countered, increasing his speed.

“Bokuto-san, please slow down! You have to watch the traffic!” Akaashi called.

“He’s right, Shittykawa! You can’t just dash across the road!” Iwaizumi shouted. “You’ll get hit before you even get to the last stop!”

“Haven’t you heard the saying, Iwa-chan? You have to win at the starting line!” Oikawa hollered over the wind.

“C’mon bro, let’s beat these assholes so hard they cry,” Kuroo suddenly materialized next to Bokuto, who replied with a cheerful, “Hell yeah!” and started running after him.

“Hey! Cheaters!” Oikawa screeched defiantly, and rushed after them.

“Kuroo-san, please don’t encourage---oh boy,” Akaashi groaned, letting his usual poker face get crinkled with emotion.

Iwaizumi sighed. “These guys just don’t know when to grow up, do they?”

“Very true, Iwaizumi-san.”

“Hey!” Bokuto yelled from a whole street away. “I heard someone shit-talking me! Akaashi! What did you tell Iwaizumi?”

“Nothing, Bokuto-san. We were just commenting on how great you guys are---“

“Hey hey hey, that’s what I like to hear!” Bokuto immediately perked up and continued racing.

“---at acting like kids,” Akaashi finished quietly.

Iwaizumi laughed. “Hey, you’re cool. You sure you two are in the same team?”

“I could say the same for you and Oikawa-san.”

“Yeah, well. But a team doesn’t feel like a team without the troublemakers, eh?”

“Absolutely, Iwaizumi-san.”

“Finished socializing there, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa yelled. “This is the last spot!”

“A fast food shop?” Iwaizumi gawked. “What kind of challenge could we get in a restaurant?”

“Beats me,” Oikawa hummed cheerfully. “But at least we’ll get food!”  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
They got food, alright.

“Ehhh… is this even edible?” Oikawa asked uncertainly.

In front of each of them was an enormous plate of burger and fries. The plate had to be at least an arm’s length, and the gigantic burger filled half that plate. Places the burger didn’t occupy were replaced with mounds of golden yellow fries. At the corner of the table was a huge jug of beer. It looked very enticing, but the plain enormity of it made people question whether it was safe to consume or not.

“Of course it is, don’t be stupid,” said Bokuto. “You have to finish this if you want to go home anyway.” He and Kuroo both bit into their burgers in sync. “Mmm, yeah!”

“You’re cheating!” Oikawa complained childishly, and tucked into his own burger.

“I’m pretty confident about eating,” Iwaizumi admitted, crunching on fries. Ushijima cut his burger into dainty pieces with a knife before putting one into his mouth to chew.

“Seriously Ushiwaka-chan, this is a battle of speed,” Oikawa grumbled through a mouthful of bread and meat. “You’re slowing us down.”

“Actually, I quite sympathize with Ushijima-san,” Akaashi piped up. “I’m not a very big eater myself either.”

“Gimme, Akaashi!” Bokuto, having finished his own, swiped the rest of Akaashi’s burger off his plate. His golden eyes flashed greedily.

“Bro, unfair,” Kuroo protested. “I want seconds too!” He tore the burger in Bokuto’s hands in half, taking one of the halves. The Nekoma and Fukurodani captains munched contentedly.

“Unbelievable,” Akaashi muttered, a smile creeping up his face.

“How come you’re so fast?” Oikawa demanded, still halfway through his burger.

“How come you’re so slow?” Iwaizumi retaliated, gulping down the last the bread and reaching for the beer mug.

“Burgers give me spots,” Oikawa mumbled incoherently.

“A bit of it won’t give you pimples, Asskawa. Look, Ushijima’s faster than you,” Iwaizumi commented, as the Shiratorizawa captain swallowed his last bit of burger.

Oikawa stared in astonishment. “But-but---where’d it go?” He glared down at his own bread, a kind of newly born determination burning in his eyes as he choked it down in one gulp.

“That’s the spirit,” Iwaizumi said sarcastically.

“I’m not losing to Ushiwaka-chan at anything!” Oikawa declared, taking the gigantic beer mug.

Ushijima picked up his own beer mug and nodded as if to say _bring it on_.

“Chug! Chug! Chug!” Kuroo and Bokuto cheered, abandoning their own mugs to watch the fun.

“Wait a minute, you two, you’re on the same team!” Iwaizumi yelled. “What are you even---“

“CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!”

“KUROO AND BOKUTO, I'LL KILL YOU ALL---“

Iwaizumi watched as Oikawa and Ushijima downed one mug of beer, then two, then three, completely immune to Iwaizumi’s protests.

It was past four mugs before they stopped to pant.

“Iwa-chan, your hair looks like spinach,” Oikawa giggled incomprehensively.

“I’m flying,” Ushijima rambled, flapping his arms like an oversized parakeet.

“What the total fuck, you two---“ Iwaizumi seethed, then whirled furiously towards Bokuto and Kuroo, who were holding their mugs and laughing their heads off at random stuff. “Shut up!”

Akaashi smiled tiredly. “I guess neither of us will be getting any sleep tonight, Iwaizumi-san.”

Bokuto and Kuroo laughed.

And that is how Iwaizumi ended up hauling Oikawa and Ushijima back home---

And that is also why Iwaizumi had zero sleep that night because he had to spare his bed and couch for two drunk bastards with zero self-respect---

And that is also why Oikawa got ten times more beatings from his Iwa-chan for a whole month.

**Author's Note:**

> So basically I was asking a non-Haikyuu fan friend what she thought of Oikawa, Iwaizumi and Ushijima and she was like,"They'll be cool in a reality show" so this is born~~ Hope you guys liked it~~ thanks for surviving through this really long story~~


End file.
